devil inside, looking within, and not liking it, looking inside and seeing a reflection of agents of pain from long ago, the other side of the coin, the other half, from a different perspective, from a different angle, and it's killing me, it's an awful experience, to have both sides of a moment, to act and watch, to write and direct and act, it's no Garden State, it's no Shakespeare in Love, no playing of actors' roles, playing both leads at various points in time, it's just so wrong. and seeing it from another side, that prism bending light around the corner, again and twice more until arriving at the same plate on both sides, but it should be understanding, knowing the path, forged in the past, should make it, supposed to make it, wisdom from experience. ha. it still hurts.